Afrikaans Version

Ek is Mary.

Ek het deur die Vonnis ‘n baie moeilike tyd deurgegaan.  Die dag toe ek gearresteer was, het dek gevoel dat die Here my vergeet het, ek hetverward gevoel, deurmekaar gevoel, en baie onseker oor wat van my gaan word.

Ek was bang, en het nie geweet wat gaan van my word nie.  Ek was bang dat ek my kinders en my ouers nie weer gaan sien nie, en was ook bekommerd oor wat van my kinders gaan word.  Dit het gevoel of die wêreld om me vergaan. My ouers is ‘n baie hoë ouderdom my pa al 83 en my ma is 78, ek was bang dat hul dalk iets sal oorkom en as ek 5 jaar in die tronk moet sit sal ek hul nie weer sien nie, ek sal nie eers op hul begrafnis kan wees nie.

Ek was kwaad vir God, want hoekom laat hy al die ongelukkigheid met my gebeur? Ek het gevoel die Here het my vergeet. Ek kry net al die ongelukkigheid van voor en agter.  Elke dag bring net drama, met 2 egskeidings wat ek deur is en nog aanrandings, my neus wat afgeslaan is en deur ruite gegooi, en wat nog?

Dit was die moeilikste tyd van my lewe toe ek gearresteer was, en het verneder gevoel om agter in die vangwa in te klim, en in die hof in te loop vanaf die selle onder in die polisiestasie.  Almal kyk jou so agterna, en mens hoor mense praat. Ek het verneder gevoel, en minderwaardig, my selfbeeld het verswak

Ek het verwerp en verstoot gevoel want ek het deur die polisie beampte wat my gearresteer het, verstaan dat my ouers my nie weer wil sien nie, en hul wou nie en hul nie vir my by die trunk sal kom kuier nie.

Ek het gevoel dat dit beter sou wees om eerder dood te gaan, want wat is daar nog vir my, wat gaan word as niemand my meer wil hê, of meer met my te doen wou hê nie…

Ek was verskriklik hartseer oor als, en het myself begin haat en myself geblameer dat dit als net my skuld is, als wat in my lewe gebeur het, het ek die skuld op myself geplaas.

Ek het was baie negatief oor my lewe gevoel, ekt geen heenkome, waar gaan ek werk kry?  Daar was so baie “Hoekom’s” en my gedagtes.

Ek het gevoel almal “Judge” my,  en kyk op my neer

My ma hul het toe paar keer in die tronk vir my kom kuier en ek het toe so verlig gevoel , my ma het ‘n Boekie met die naam HOEKOM vir my gebring geskryf deur “Daniel Louw” en die boekie het my so baie gehelp, ek het al my antwoorde daarin gekry.

Die 2 en ‘n halwe maand in die tronk het ek tot bekering gekom en het my hart toe daar vir die Here gegee.  Ek het besef dat ek die een is wat verkeertwas, dis nie die Here wat my vergeet het nie, dit is ek wat die Here vergeet het, ek het nie meer met al my probleme en laste na hom gegaan nie, en dis ek wat die verkeerde keuses in my lewe gemaak het.  Verkeerde vriende en verkeerde invloede…

Ek het spyt gevoel oor wat ek gedoen het, en wat ek aan my ma hul, my kinders en mense gedoen het!

Toe ek die dag 14 Januarie 2010 gevonnis is met 5 jaar opgeskort, en 3 maande Rehab, en vir 30 maande Korrektiewe Dienste (Community Service) was dit ‘nverligting, maar het soos ‘n berg ook voor my gelê.  Die Magistraat het my op ‘n stadium bekommderd gehad, want sy was baie kwaad en het eers geklink of sy my gaan 5 jaar tronkstraf gee.

Ekt baie verligting en blydskap gevoel omdat die Here my gebede verhoor het en my weer ‘n kans te gee in die lewe, dit kon so anders gewees het, en ektamper gevoel ek verdien dit nie, en was baie dankbaar vir sy Genade, en het besef dat Hy net een van Sy verlore skape wil terug bring kraal toe.  Ek het besef dat die pad wat ek geloop het nie vir my was nie.

Ekt weer positief begin voel en weer kans gesien vir die lewe!

Ek het geweet dat dit baie werk sal kos om die vertroue tussen my en my ma hul, en my kinders en almal wat na aan my is, weer reg te kry…

Ek het dankbaarheid gevoel omrede ek weer ‘n kans gekry het.

Ek’t weer liefde in my hart gekry, en berou oor wat ek gedoen het.

Ek het vrede in my hart gekry, Ekt myself vergewe en vrede met myself.gemaak

Ek het erkenning gehad vir die foute wat ek gemaak het, en Wilskrag gekry om my kop hoog te hou, en Krag gekry om die stryd te stry.

Ek was ook dankbaar dat ek in die Rehab beland het, en dat ek besef het dat mens nie ‘n “substance” nodig het om gelukkig te wees nie. En soveel dinge daar geleer, sowel as by NICRO in Witbank – Patricia het my altyd so goed laat voel omtrent myself, en my bygestaan, en het my NIE soos ‘n krimineel laat voel nie.  As ek dalk ‘n oggend half negatief by haar aangekom het, as ek loop teen die einde van die sessie voel ek weer belangrik en goed oor myself!!

Selfs die kursus wat ek by Correctional geloop het, al die dinge maak jou weer ‘nsterk mens, hul help jou jou selfbeeld weer terug bou, en voel weerpositief en gelukkig omtrent jouself!

Om kursusse soos LIFE SKILLS, EN POSSITIVE PARETING te loop en die kursusse wat hul jou aanbied is puik en dis wat jy daarvan maak.  Weereens ‘n besluit wat jy moet maak oor jou lewe en jou toekoms

Ek voel sommer weer opgewonde om aan te gaan met my lewe, en voel ‘n sterker mens om besluite te maak.

English Version

I am Mary.

With the sentence I went through a difficult time.  The day I was arrested, I felt as if the Lord forgot about me, I felt confused and unsure about what was going to happen to me. I was scared and did not know what was going to happen to me.  I was afraid that I will never see my children and parents again and was concerned about what will happen to my children.  It felt as if the world was disappearing around me.

My parents are old, my father 83 and my mother 78, and I was afraid that something would happen to them and if I was to spend five years in prison, I would not see them again. I would even not be able to be at their funeral.

I was angry with God, because why was he allowing all this sadness in my life? I felt as if the Lord forgot about me.  I get all the difficulties from all sides.

Every day was drama for me, with two divorces I went through and more assaults, my nose that was broken, and thrown through windows and what else?

It was the most difficult time of my life when I was arrested and felt humiliated to climb into the back of the police van and walk into the court from the cells below the police station.  Everybody looks at you and you hear people talk.  I felt humiliated, and inferior, my self concept became bad

I felt rejected because I understood from the police officer who arrested me that my parents did not want to see me anymore and they did not want to come and visit me in prison

I felt that it would have been better to rather die, because what was left for me what was going to happen to me if nobody wanted me or wanted to anything to do with me anymore?

I was very heart sore about everything and I started to hate myself and blamed myself that everything was my fault, for everything that happened in my life, I blamed myself.

I was very negative about my life; I had nowhere to go, where was I going to find a job

There were so many Why’s? in my thoughts.

I felt that everybody was judging me and looking down on me.

My parents then did come and visit me in the prison a couple of times and I felt so relieved. My mother brought me a book with the title Why? By Daniel Louw and this book helped me so much, I found all my answers in there.

In the two and a half months in the prison I repented and gave my heart to the Lord

I realized that it was me that was wrong, It was not the Lord that forgot about me, It was not the Lord that forgot about me, it was I who forgot about the Lord. I did not go with all my problems to Him, and it was me that made all the wrong choices in my life wrong friends and wrong influences

I felt regret about what I did, and what I did to my parents, my children and people

When I was on the day of the 14^th January 2010 sentenced to five years suspended and three months rehab  and for 30 month Community Corrections, I was relieved, but it laid ahead of me  like a mountain.

The Magistrate had me concerned at one point. Because she was very angry and it sounded at first if she was going to give me a five year prison sentence. I felt very relieved and happy because the Lord answered my prayers and gave me a chance again in life, it could have been so different, and I almost felt as if I did not deserve it, and was very thankful for  His Mercy, and I realized that He just wanted  bring back one of His lost sheep.  I realized that the road I had walked was not for me

I started feeling positive again and started to feel that I could take on life again. I knew that it would be lots of work to repair the trust between myself and my parents, and my children and other people close to me. I felt thankful for being given another chance. I had love in my heart again and had remorse. I received peace in my heart; I forgave myself and made peace with myself. I acknowledged the mistakes I made and had the willpower to keep my head high. I received the strength to fight the fight. I was also thankful that I ended in rehab and that I realized that one does not need a substance to be happy.  I learned so many things there, as well as  at NICRO Witbank – Patricia always made me feel so good about myself and  supported me and did not make me feel like a criminal.  If I arrived sometimes a bit negative in the morning, by the time I left the session, I felt again important and good about myself.

Even the course that I did at Correctional Supervision, all these things makes you a strong person again they help you to build your self esteem again and you feel again positive and happy about yourself.

To do courses like life skills and positive parenting is great, and it is what you make of it

Again, it is a choice you have to make about your life and future. I feel excited again to go on with my life and feel like a stronger person to make decisions.

NICRO has chosen to allow blogs written by offenders to be posted on its website in order to give those who are normally silenced in society an opportunity to express themselves.

The contents of the blogs, the opinions expressed and the points made in the blogs are not those of NICRO and do not represent any official NICRO position. Furthermore, NICRO does not assume any responsibility or liability for opinions or statements made in the offender blogs. The blogs are edited simply for grammar and typing errors. On occasion names of people have been removed.